I once read that you can tell when you have worked too long in emergency medicine when you have ever had a patient look you in the eye and say, “I don’t know how that got in there.” The thing is, that sort of thing happens all the time.

We were lounging at the station one fine morning, when we were dispatched to an “unknown medical.” As we climbed into the trucks, I noticed that several crew members were reading the dispatch information on the computers and laughing. A lot. I was sure that something evil was waiting for us, and it turned out that I was not to be disappointed.

When we arrived on scene, the ensuing conversation was absolutely hysterical.

Lieutenant: “What is his problem?”

Female Medic: “He has a cock ring stuck on his penis.”

Rest of crew present: “Snicker.”

Patient: “It is NOT a cock ring, it is a key ring.”

Lieutenant: “I think she’s right, I don’t see any keys on it.”

Rest of crew present: “Bwahahahahahaha.”

Patient: “I don’t see what is so funny. Is someone gonna take a look at this?”

Female medic: “I’m not. I’d rather stare at the sun.”

Lieutenant: “I’m not, either. The new guy can do it.”

New guy (while thoughtfully looking at impaled key ring): “Oh, you definitely need to go to the hospital for that one.”

For nearly a year, that key ring occupied a place of honor, in a specimen jar in the office at the station. To this day, the patient doesn’t know how it got in there…

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1 Comment

Tam · July 13, 2007 at 9:51 pm

zomg, that reminds me of a truly horrifically funny story told at deer camp by [UN-NAMED ER NURSE FRIEND] about a patient that was wheeled in with a curtain rod stuck in an awkward place. The kind with the acorn finial on the end.

He insisted that he had been redecorating, nekkid mind you, and slipped from the chair and… well… you know how these things happen… whoopsie…

By the way, did you know finely atomized Bacardi can flare up when sprayed into a campfire through your nose?

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