My wife works as a teacher. Most teachers keep a mini fridge in the classroom for storing their lunches (mostly due to school food being hideous). One of the substitute teachers that works at her school is famous for eating the food out of the rooms of the teachers he substitutes for.

Once, he at half of a teacher’s candy bar and left a Post-It note stuck to it that read “Sorry, I was hungry.” There were teeth marks still in the candy bar. Teachers all over the school have complained about this guy.

I was talking to one of my wife’s friends, and she was upset because she has been out of school for a couple days, caring for her mother. She left her daughter’s lunches (who is a student at the school) in her fridge and the substitute ate them all. This woman is pissed.

So in typical Divemedic fashion, I suggested a mechanical ambush. My suggestion is that they make some cookies using chocolate flavored laxative as the chunks, then leave them in your fridge with a note saying “don’t eat these.” Then if he eats them, it’s not on you. I was shot down.

Whatever. I bet he would never eat your food again.

Categories: Humor


joe · February 9, 2022 at 5:27 am

I’m with you… make him shit himself

Jonathan · February 9, 2022 at 6:42 am

I’ve heard of people doing similar things in office fridges when this happens.
Usually it’s been with planted very spicy foods, but laxatives are a better idea.

D.C. · February 9, 2022 at 7:28 am

bake up some fun cookies or brownies, use some super psychedelic grade medicinal marijuana, leave one fun cookie, so he eats the evidence. Its very easy to get a physiological overdose on that stuff when its enhance by baking it, and its just about tasteless in a scrumdilly impossible to resist gourmet gooey fudge brownie made with 2 or 3 sticks of butter in the batter.
The thief will get so high the physiological effects will bake his noodle, make him literally sick he gets so high, he will never risk touching other folks food again. Might even end up from the high, making an ass out of himself where he gets a mandatory piss test and fails. And all that implies.

    Jonathan · February 9, 2022 at 10:28 am

    Assuming they still have drug tests, so me districts have gotten rid of them as part of being woke …

SiG · February 9, 2022 at 7:40 am

My suggestion is that they make some cookies using chocolate flavored laxative as the chunks, then leave them in your fridge with a note saying “don’t eat these.” Then if he eats them, it’s not on you. I was shot down.

While I really like this, for that last sentence to work, he has to associate the cookies with “I really got sick today.” He has to understand the cookies were the cause and not somebody else’s food that he stole. (“It didn’t smell like it had gone bad”)

He has to understand cause and effect, and that bulb may not be bright enough.

E M Johnson · February 9, 2022 at 7:55 am

laxatives? phuk that, go straight to the source. make food with feces and ejaculate. let him know a week later by notifying and all students on social media via video of the food prep and him eating it

Kapt Kaos · February 9, 2022 at 8:18 am

I’ve found over the years that a nice cat food sandwich always does the trick. It’ll induce automatic vomiting and that’s the lesson you want to leave for the scumbag.

Jen · February 9, 2022 at 8:47 am

We had a PA that would go into the nurses’ breakroom and eat all their food. He was like a human vacuum. Nothing worse than 12 hours running your ass off in the ER and no lunch. Complaints went nowhere; we got security to deactivate his badge. He couldn’t access the break room anymore. Or just about anywhere else, either.
I am strongly in favor of chocolate laxatives or pot brownies that’ll mess up his drug test later.

Don Curton · February 9, 2022 at 8:48 am

I remember hearing Walt Garrison tell a story about Cowboy training camp. Him and his roommate would have a bowl of snacks in their room, chips, pretzels, etc. and another Cowboy would routinely walk in their room and eat everything out of the bowl. Daily. Some then they started filling the bowl up with crunchy style dog treats. Said he ate the whole bowl and then came back for more later. Wasn’t happy when he was told about it, but hey, that’s on him.

It's just Boris · February 9, 2022 at 9:17 am

Bolt a hasp on to the fridge and lock it?

Bert · February 9, 2022 at 9:18 am

I can recall when going to school brought the opportunity to learn, times change I guess.
I fail to see the benefits of allowing a thief to enjoy the fruits and only have a marginal amount of suffering later. Why not make it a teaching moment ? Right then right there, publicly for all to see.
Some aluminum foil (lunch is wrapped up)
A nice plastic plate (insulator)
A little bit of wire
And a healthy charged capacitor that will aid in the instant release of both solid and liquid waste repositories
However, should you really want to pass someone a load of misery and waste a lot of their time and money, I suggest an 18”x18” chunk of good plastic sheet and a .500” dowel rod about 24” long.

Bart Simpson · February 9, 2022 at 9:29 am

During the skater youth a buddy did just that, by leaving them in the microwave for a few seconds and then passing them out.
Snacks are a construct of the white male capitalist patriarchy and will be redistributed to the collective. (/s)
They probably put up with this gimp due to the teacher shortage and all local schools have signs up looking for subs.

    Divemedic · February 9, 2022 at 10:37 am

    That’s exactly why.

EN2 SS · February 9, 2022 at 9:59 am

Nothing personal, but if the teachers can’t get the administration to stop it and the teachers won’t do anything to stop it, then too bad, so sad, shut up and live with what they’re willing to tolerate.

Curtis · February 9, 2022 at 10:15 am

My office had a notorious fridge raider. He was also allergic to shellfish. He got into someone’s lunch one day and did not realize it contained crab. He stopped after that.

Ben C · February 9, 2022 at 1:26 pm

During my college days, there was one brand of dorm fridge that had a lock built into it. Wasn’t fancy, mostly just tamper resistant and a dedicated person could get it open (true for most things). But lock the door, and that should help.

If that fails, an air horn in a can that honks when the door is opened past the first inch is a good option.

Billy Bob in Texas · February 9, 2022 at 1:38 pm

Sounds like it’s time to break out the lunch box/cooler and keep your food at your desk and then at lunch take it to the lunch room. Your lunch is secure and you get to see all the other teachers piss & moan about the fat sub stealing their food.

Toastrider · February 9, 2022 at 2:37 pm

Something to keep in mind is that certain jurisdictions will prosecute for assault if you let some moron eat food spiked with pot or laxatives. The school or business could also face liability.

Having a taste for spicy food might be more effective. ‘Dude, you know I like Kung Pao beef, why’d you get into it?’.

At one time I plastered my lunchbox with biohazard stickers. That seemed to ward off any grazing as well.

Skyler the Weird · February 9, 2022 at 5:44 pm

Ex lax Peanut Clusters are also a good trick at getting coworkers and roommates to leave your stuff alone.

WallPhone · February 9, 2022 at 6:18 pm

For the snack raiders, there are some sugar-free gummy bears that went viral years back for having a laxative effect.

    Russell G. · February 9, 2022 at 6:26 pm

    Probably sorbitol.
    That’ll do it.

JC · February 10, 2022 at 4:30 pm

Laxatives in food? Been going on in the Firehouse since before I started 41 years ago.
Slow learners get hit more than once.

Anonymous · February 12, 2022 at 11:36 pm

My dad worked with a gal whose purse was being pilfered through while she worked her factory shift. He found a pretty big garter snake, and put it in her purse. At lunch, he went in and retrieved the snake from the bottom of the locker.
Somebody got a big surprise that night, and his coworker never had another problem losing money out of her purse.

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