Sorry that this post will be long, but this post is from a grieving son who is mourning his mother. I got a call from my brother in law, who is the manager of a restaurant. It seems that my mother’s husband came by to see him during the lunch rush. He thought that they had come by for lunch, as the frequently did, and thought it was odd that just one of them was there, so he asked. The conversation went like this:
NH: I just came by to tell you that my wife is dead. She died in her sleep last night.
BIL: What did the cops say?
NH: I haven’t called them. I couldn’t remember the number.
BIL called his wife, then he called me. I live more than an hour away, so I called the cops to go by and check on her as I rushed to get over there…
I don’t blame the new husband. Mom married him about 4 years ago, and it’s been increasingly obvious to all of us that he has dementia. He can’t be trusted to drive alone, and the police had to go looking for him the last time he tried, because he was missing for hours.
I went over there, and I had to go into the house to identify the body. My sister couldn’t do it. I have seen plenty of dead bodies in my years in the medical field, but seeing my mother’s face on a corpse was pretty rough. I did OK and held it together until I went to leave the room, when I said “Goodbye, Mom.” That was when it hit me. My mother is gone, and I am now an orphan. A wall of grief that was unbearable overcame me.
My mother wasn’t perfect. Like all of us, she was a flawed human. When I was a child, she used to burn my fingers with matches when we touched something that we weren’t supposed to. When we said something objectional, she would put hot peppers in our mouths. She used to tell me things like “I have to love you because I am your mother, but I don’t have to like you.” Later as an adult, I was homeless for a time. That’s when I called my parents for help, because even though we hadn’t been speaking for a couple of years, I had nowhere else to turn. They hung up on me. There were plenty of reasons for me to resent her. All of those reasons are probably why I have had so many failed relationships. It made me into a person that isn’t good at being vulnerable or sharing my feelings.
The good memories of my parents far outnumber the bad. She was my mother, and I love her. After dad died, we lived together in my house for almost two years because she had nowhere else to turn. As the eldest son, it was my duty.
My earliest memories are from when I was three years old or so. I remember chasing dad and throwing snow at him as you laughed in joy. I remember the time I fell in that ant mound, and how you were brushing the ants from me as I cried. I remember the time I fell from the swing set and broke my arm, how you came running to help me. My fondest memory from my childhood is feeling the cool fall air blow through the house as you put up the fall decorations.
Every boy seeks the advice and approval of his father, but seeks the comfort and love of his mother. Now that I am the eldest remaining in my family, I no longer have either. It’s been many decades since I sat in your lap and was comforted by my mother’s embrace, I still remember and cherish those memories. Still, life goes on, and I am comforted by the love and support of my wife. Mom, when we spoke last week, you told me that you were happy that I had finally found a wife who is as good for me as she is, and how you were comforted knowing that I finally had the happiness that had eluded me for so long. Our dinner together for Thanksgiving was lovely, and I will cherish our time together for the rest of my life. You taught me so much.
My mother. I won’t be able to give her the Christmas gift I bought her. She won’t be able to call me on my birthday at the exact time I was born, just as she used to do every year. No more dinners with my mother. No more phone calls. I will never see or speak again to the woman that I have known longer than anyone else.
It seems to me that life is now a burden that must be borne without the guidance of the generation that came before. My parents and all but one of their siblings are now gone, along with their parents before them. Three of my five cousins are dead, as are five of my seven aunts and uncles, and one of my nephews.
My Father went into cardiac arrest on my Mother’s birthday, spent a couple of weeks in the ICU, and passed away on my Brother’s birthday. It was a decade before my Mother would celebrate her birthday again. Now, 19 years later, the circle is complete. Even though she remarried, she passed away on my Father’s birthday.
Goodbye Mom. I love and miss both you and Dad. My life is diminished without you, and my heart is breaking. Because I have always felt that funerals held in Latin were a beautiful way to say goodbye, and the Latin prayer Requiem Aeterna is a particlarly beautiful prayer:
Requiem aeternam dona ei. Domine, et lux perpetua luceat ei. Requiescat in pace.
As far as the blog goes, I have some posts that I wrote these past few days, and they will be posting while I am absent. I need some time to make funeral arrangements and to grieve with my family.
101 Comments
Sarin · December 6, 2023 at 9:04 pm
My condolences to you and yours DM.
Grey Stranger · December 10, 2023 at 9:32 pm
Extremely sorry for your loss. Never easy losing a parent. You grow up seeing them as almost immortal, and it’s almost impossible to imagine that one day they will pass away. Still have both of mine, but the wife has lost her mom and her dad is slowly going. May the good Lord comfort you in your grieving and leave you only peace, and the beloved memories of those you’ve lost.
Tanfj · December 11, 2023 at 6:27 pm
My most sincere condolences.
Alex Martinez · December 6, 2023 at 9:04 pm
Prayers for you at this time.
GreenCross4Safety · December 7, 2023 at 1:32 pm
Prayers to you and your family.
Chris · December 6, 2023 at 9:22 pm
Condolences Sir.
Iwoots · December 6, 2023 at 9:26 pm
My condolences.
Toastrider · December 6, 2023 at 9:42 pm
You have my heartfelt condolences, sir. Take as much time as you need.
Jen · December 7, 2023 at 5:30 am
I’m so sorry for your loss DM. Rayers for your mom.
rab in fl · December 7, 2023 at 3:39 pm
Very sorry for your loss, DM. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions. Prayers for you and your family from nearby in FL.
Matt · December 10, 2023 at 7:14 am
Condolences to you and your family. Thank you for sharing that part of your life with us. It was beautiful. God Bless you sir
Some doofus · December 6, 2023 at 9:43 pm
So sorry for your loss. May the good Lord give you peace as you grieve.
Jonesy · December 6, 2023 at 9:50 pm
So sorry for your loss.
Peace be with you.
Anon · December 6, 2023 at 10:21 pm
I’m sorry to hear of her passing and I’m glad you have some good memories of her.
Old 66J · December 9, 2023 at 7:44 pm
My thoughts are with you, be strong, and know that it’s a better place she goes to.
chiefjaybob · December 6, 2023 at 10:30 pm
So sorry for your loss, DM. Nobody ever loves us like our mothers. May her memory be a blessing to you.
Birdog357 · December 6, 2023 at 10:45 pm
Sorry to hear that DM.
DrBob · December 6, 2023 at 10:46 pm
My mother died about nine years ago. I was 57 at the time, and certainly not a child. But one of my mentors, told me: “No matter how old you are, when your parent dies, you are an orphan”. That loss rips you from your moorings.It’s a permanent disconnection from your origins. If you have kids, make sure they understand their ties to their historical family. I strongly suggest that you write your life story as a way to keep the connection alive. Your gravestone will mean nothing in a few decades. Your stories will be your legacy. Write them down to keep your family alive in perpetuity.
Dirty Dingus McGee · December 6, 2023 at 10:50 pm
Never easy losing a parent, no matter their, or your, age. As you said, it’s someone you’ve known your entire life.
My condolences to you and your family.
Guy · December 6, 2023 at 11:28 pm
My condolences, you wrote a deeply meaningful tribute to her.
Ray Jones · December 7, 2023 at 12:08 am
Sorry for your loss.
Fitty · December 7, 2023 at 12:26 am
I will pray for you.
Tom762 · December 7, 2023 at 1:00 am
DM,
Damn!
Dad passed 2 years ago. Mom has been in a constant state of grief since then, basically. Monday she got phished, almost got scammed for 50 large. She also has the dementia, so when we discuss the incident she does not understand. I feel for you, as I am watching her pass slowly. They tell me I am being a good son to her. I feel as if I am failing miserably. So when I say this, please know I mean it!
You ARE a good son! I am sorry for your loss. Please take care of your self!
Tom762
CA · December 8, 2023 at 7:56 am
Tom: A quick side note. As someone who, along with his sister, had caregiving duty for our mom when we were pretty damned young (early 20s), I can say now as a much older dude that
– you are doing your best, and
– not to think that you are doing otherwise.
Caregivers have to take care of themselves both during and in the aftermath; please do so. Godspeed.
Vlad · December 7, 2023 at 1:38 am
Very sorry for your loss DM.
Moms are special and mine wasn’t perfect either but she’s the only one I was issued.
I hope the grins of good times remembered outweigh the tears soon.
BraulerBob · December 7, 2023 at 1:47 am
Prayers of peace and comfort to you my friend. May her memory be a blessing.
Michael · December 7, 2023 at 3:54 am
It hurts, I know. Prayers for your peace and reconciliation sent.
JL · December 8, 2023 at 8:47 pm
Sorry about your mom. I was in your shoes almost one year prior…last year in September, when they took my mother off life support after she’s suffered a serious stroke. I was at her side when she drew her last breath. It hurt alot more than I thought it would, but I didn’t want her to die alone.
I wish there was something I could tell you or some advice I could pass on that would help, but words fail me. I still don’t know how I got through it, except for just soldiering on. I miss my mom every day. You will too…but you’ll get through this. You’ll get by.
Godspeed.
Irish · December 7, 2023 at 4:40 am
My condolences to you and yours DM.
Christopher · December 7, 2023 at 5:18 am
My deepest sympathies and condolences to you at this most difficult time. I am also the eldest son, and the responsibilities of care fell on me as well. I know how this complicates our relationships with our parents. I am glad that you have good memories of you mother to provide some measure of comfort in your grief.
Joe Blow · December 7, 2023 at 6:11 am
Blessings of peace to you and yours good Sir.
Lost Mom 6 years ago, Dad died a year ago September.
Still hurts.
I know what you mean when you feel like an orphan. It doesn’t go away, you just get used to that lump being there, and learn to live with it. I still catch myself when I see a can of Progresso Soup (was Dad’s favorite). Over a year, WTF?!?! ‘Spose I’m going to have to be a Campbell’s guy.
Peace will come in time. It started getting better for me after 1 year. You are very fortunate if you have a good wife. When you have a moment, tell her “thanks”, she will appreciate you recognizing it. Yardwork has been therapeutic.
StBernard · December 7, 2023 at 7:30 am
So sorry to hear this terrible news. Toughest thing I ever dealt with. God bless you & yours.
Grumpy51 · December 7, 2023 at 8:09 am
Well stated. Condolences on your loss and may time continue to fade the bad and enhance the good (memories).
DBM · December 7, 2023 at 8:23 am
Very sorry to hear of her passing. Praying for you and your family.
Big Ruckus D · December 7, 2023 at 8:32 am
Quite sorry to hear this. That was a tough,, but touching read. It took me back to witnessing my dad passing over 20 years ago now, and caused me to reflect on how much I dread the day my mom will inevitably pass.
Take the time and space you need to process it, grieving is never easy, but has to be done. Take some comfort in the fact you were on good terms, despite some past tension in the relationship. All the moreso for having just spent Thanksgiving with her, and for your recent conversation. A lot of people have strained relationships with their parents as adults, and end up missing the opportunity to reconcile. Regret is an awful thing, though it sounds like you won’t have to shoulder that burden, at least. That is something to be thankful for.
Educated Savage · December 7, 2023 at 8:41 am
Take your time buddy. Mourn your mother the way YOU need to. We’ll be here when you get back.
Noway2 · December 7, 2023 at 8:54 am
Very sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find peace.
Lalo · December 7, 2023 at 9:03 am
You have my deepest condolences, sir.
Don Shift · December 7, 2023 at 9:08 am
Take care, bro.
Elrod · December 7, 2023 at 9:09 am
My deepest, most sincere condolences, DM.
Losing a parent is one of the toughest things we go through. Take care of everything you need to, especially including yourself; our thoughts and prayers are with you, and we’ll be here.
WDS · December 7, 2023 at 9:19 am
You have my deepest sympathy.
Henry · December 7, 2023 at 9:21 am
DM, I hope you will be comforted by the good memories of your parents. Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and sincere tribute to your mom. May she rest in peace.
Bad Dancer · December 7, 2023 at 9:39 am
My condolences to you. Surround yourself with your people
Dan D. · December 7, 2023 at 10:12 am
Your mom lives on through you every day through the people you help heal. My best to you in this transition, DM.
AL in moss bluff · December 7, 2023 at 8:19 pm
My condolences.
I was my dads primary caregiver for 12 years before he passed. Its still hard. I had estranged myself from my mom for leaving him after 42 years of marriage. Hadn’t seen or spoke in those 12 years. She had moved across the country. Still…. Deep pain in hearing of her death….
A lot to process. Prayers for family.
RandyGC · December 7, 2023 at 10:19 am
My condolences
I lost my mother this past summer. Take your time to grieve and get your footing again.
Woody · December 7, 2023 at 10:22 am
Sorry for your loss.
Craig · December 7, 2023 at 10:41 am
Sorry for your loss. Prayers .
Wild, wild west · December 7, 2023 at 11:30 am
I too had a complicated relationship with my mother, who often made it hard to love her but I did. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you can concentrate on the good times you remember.
jrg · December 7, 2023 at 1:34 pm
My condolences for you Mom’s passing. Losing someone suddenly like this is easy on the deceased, but hard for the survivors who have regrets they did not do or say or whatever while they were here. Mom’s passing was over a long period before it finally killed her. We had time to talk about future / current / past and resolve them. Her passing was actually a comfort, as she was suffering greatly towards the end.
Dad was suddenly taken by heart attack in backyard. I did not have the opportunity to provide him with my 1st born to enjoy, nor tell him i hoped I was half the Dad to my son that my Dad was to me.
I think he knows though – and that is of great comfort.
Again – my condolences.
Gerry · December 7, 2023 at 2:04 pm
Truly sorry for your loss
Nemo · December 7, 2023 at 3:59 pm
My condolences. That was a very touching eulogy.
I lost both my parents last decade. They were both in their nineties, so they had a good run. I can somewhat sympathize. In my Dad’s case, he’d had enough at 95 after his only other living sibling, one of my aunts, passed at 102. In my Mom’s case, it was a blessing as she had severe dementia and didn’t know where she was most of the time for the last five years of life.
As you stated in your eulogy, remember the good things that happened between you and your parents during your time together and forget any of the negative stuff. You’ll grieve less doing that. Voice of experience here.
Danny · December 7, 2023 at 5:56 pm
Sorry to hear about your loss.
thomas · December 7, 2023 at 7:09 pm
My condolences. Lost mom while deployed 30 tears ago, dad a few years later. Still hurts but time marches on. Do the best you can.
BillB · December 7, 2023 at 7:17 pm
First, my condolences to you. I come by here every once in a while and also read your comments on some other blogs.
I understand that feeling you had identifying your mother. I did the same about 8 years ago as it was my duty also as eldest and closest son. She lived a little over 13 years past my father. It is strange to be an orphan, even in one’s 60s.
ModernDayJeremiah · December 7, 2023 at 8:06 pm
Very sorry for your loss, DM. Prayers.
Tom from East Tennessee · December 7, 2023 at 8:31 pm
So sorry for your loss. You, your Mom, and your family are in our prayers.
Scarecrow · December 7, 2023 at 9:28 pm
Been away for a few days. My deepest condolences. At times like this words are paltry things, mere gossamer in the wind. My prayers are with you, and your family. Scarecrow
Jester · December 7, 2023 at 9:29 pm
All I can say is i’m sorry.
Big Country Expay · December 7, 2023 at 10:16 pm
Damn man, this’s a downer. Many condolences… Thoughts and Prayers man, this’s a tough one.
Marco the Lab · December 7, 2023 at 10:19 pm
Thanks DM for explaining in a redeeming way what your Mother meant to you. My Mother died within 24hrs of being admitted to hospital yesterday. Your tribute does a good job of putting into perspective a life well lived. It’s so hard to say the final goodbye. Death leaves a bitter sting. The Lord bless you brother.
James · December 7, 2023 at 11:04 pm
my mother was killed in a home invasion robbery in the mid 90s. she was also raped. the guy also killed my toddler nephew and 80yr old grandmother. there are shitty ppl on this planet. prepare yourselves
Divemedic · December 8, 2023 at 5:01 am
Darmn dude
James · December 8, 2023 at 2:11 pm
From one James to another am sorry to hear that,hope the bastard is burning eternally.
Skyler the Weird · December 7, 2023 at 11:13 pm
Condolences to you and your siblings. May the good Lord comfort you in your time of grief. It’s always hard losing a parent. They ‘ll always live in your heart.
dave un pa. · December 8, 2023 at 2:53 am
damn. sorry for your lost. wife’s and girlfriends may come and go. but you only get one MOM.
good or bad, you only get one. may she rest in peace. try to remember the good times.
I know the feeling all too well. mine passed on 13 years ago. the thing to watch out for is greed from the remaining family. THAT really pull the family apart. I have not spoken to them since. and they have no idea where I live now.
CA · December 8, 2023 at 7:47 am
My mom had early onset Alzheimer’s. While we were very fortunate to get her decent care once her illness progressed, she was “gone” long before she went to the home – let alone passing away. My sincere condolences for your loss, and may God comfort you. You have many friends who wish the same for you.
Mike V. · December 8, 2023 at 8:42 am
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom 6 weeks ago, so I can understand how you feel. Hold tight to the good memories and the knowledge your Mom and Dad will celebrate Christmas together again this year.
Ken · December 8, 2023 at 10:45 am
Damn, I’m so sorry to hear this. Stay strong.
D · December 8, 2023 at 11:00 am
When my father passed away some 15 years ago, everyone tried to come up with platitudes and nice-sounding things to console me. Things like “time heals all wounds”. It doesn’t. It just dulls the pain. A few times per year, some random things happens in life with work or the kids, and I start to think “Oh my God! Dad is going to get a kick out of th…”. I have to stop for a moment and suppress the realization that I’m all alone and that my kids will have to feel what I’m feeling some day. Then I force myself to move on with my day.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Bill · December 8, 2023 at 11:29 am
You have my deepest condolences. Lost my mom in September 2019 a couple of months short of her 84th birthday. Still hurts more than four years later. Dad somehow is still around and will turn 89 in three more months, if he makes it as he is deep in the grips of dementia now. It’s tough to see our parents like that. Anyhow, carry on day by day and step by step. Condolences on the loss of your mother.
Dave · December 8, 2023 at 11:35 am
My condolences, DM. May the Lord comfort you in your time of loss. I understand your feelings of being an orphan; both of my parents are gone. They live on in my memories. May the same be true of your mom and dad.
Joe · December 8, 2023 at 12:03 pm
Sorry for your loss man
Samuel Hancock · December 8, 2023 at 12:13 pm
I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. Concentrate on the good you can remember. It will help tremendously with the grieving process. May God send you comfort at this moment in time.
Winterborn71 · December 8, 2023 at 12:13 pm
Deepest condolences DM, very sorry for your loss
Chutes Magoo · December 8, 2023 at 12:22 pm
I don’t know you DM, but I know how you are feeling. RIP Mum.
Anonymous · December 8, 2023 at 12:23 pm
This breaks my heart. My mother is older, dad passed away five years ago. Mom lives by herself now but has some close friends left. I’m not looking forward to the day when I have to say goodbye to her…
My thoughts and prayers to you.
Guy Gadbous · December 8, 2023 at 12:30 pm
As I sit here crying, I don’t have the words….
James Nelson · December 8, 2023 at 12:44 pm
My condolences to you, and a bit of envy. When my mother died all we children could feel was a sense of relief that she had no way to affect us anymore.
James · December 8, 2023 at 2:09 pm
Sorry about your mums death,tis a hard hit.
I lost me mum almost 2 years ago,still hits me at times but am also moving forward as I am sure she would want.
Time will bring peace of mind,but you will never forget her which is OK.
Valerie Lindsey · December 8, 2023 at 3:09 pm
Another orphan here 20 years. I remember thinking that people would know just looking at me. My most sincere condolences. I will pray for your Mom and you.
ruralcounsel · December 8, 2023 at 4:18 pm
Prayers for you and your family.
Greatgeezer · December 8, 2023 at 4:41 pm
What you do for a living does not make it easier to deal with the emotions you are about to experience. But faith in our Lord does. Both your mother and father are with Him now, with no pains or worries. You need to both know and believe that, it will get you through this. My prayers for you and your family.
CelticGirl424 · December 8, 2023 at 6:36 pm
Oh 😭
I am so, so sorry. 😭
You, the kids and the rest of your family are in my thoughts and prayers. 🙏🏻💔
If there is anything I can do – please, let me know.
I’m here for you, always.
DGinStAug · December 8, 2023 at 6:41 pm
Very sorry to hear about your mother. It has been 19 years for me. My condolences.
TheFossil · December 8, 2023 at 8:27 pm
Sorry for your loss brother. Peace be with you and your family.
TsgtJoe · December 8, 2023 at 8:43 pm
Sorry DM, you have my condolences.
Spin Drift · December 8, 2023 at 11:11 pm
No words only condolences.
Spin Drift
RB · December 9, 2023 at 11:35 am
So sorry for your loss.
Brutus · December 9, 2023 at 1:12 pm
You have my sympathy for your loss.
Cowboy · December 9, 2023 at 2:03 pm
My deepest condolences sir. She lives on in your heart and mind.
Bear Claw Chris Lapp · December 9, 2023 at 2:37 pm
Prayers and condolences DM for all your family. Been near 40 years for me and I still miss her every day
Heath J · December 9, 2023 at 5:31 pm
Very sorry for your loss, sir. Condolences.
Cowboy4572 · December 9, 2023 at 9:36 pm
My deepest sympathies on your loss sir. Thank you for all you do with this site and thank you for those you have helped at your work.
KoB · December 9, 2023 at 10:39 pm
Deepest sympathies on your family’s loss, DM. Godspeed and a Rest Easy for your Mom. Many of us do feel your pain. Lost Papa when I was 10, lost Mama when I was 27. I’m 71 now and it sometimes feels like it was yesterday. The pain of your loss won’t get any better, but it will get bearable. Say her name…be her witness…pass her legacy on to your kids. She will live on thru them.
Warren · December 10, 2023 at 8:21 am
My condolences on your Mother’s passing.
Aesop · December 10, 2023 at 1:48 pm
My deepest condolences on such a profound grief.
John Wilder · December 10, 2023 at 10:07 pm
Deepest condolences.
Original Grandpa · December 11, 2023 at 5:48 pm
Heartfelt and sincere condolences, brother.
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