Humor

Funny

So there’s this crusty old Sergeant Major and he’s really tense and uptight.

One night he’s at a military ball and this beautiful young woman comes up to him and says “Sergeant Major, you look so tense. When was the last time you got laid?”

He replied, “I haven’t had sex since 1955.”

The woman was shocked. “1955?” She said, “That’s so long ago! Why don’t you come back here and I’ll help you loosen up?”

So she takes him into this dark back room. He knows all the angles, all the moves, he rocks her world. Afterward she’s laying on her back panting and she says “Wow, you haven’t forgotten anything since 1955, huh?”

He replies, “I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now!”

By Divemedic, ago

Monkey

A man enters a bar carrying a monkey. The monkey begins running around the bar, making a general and complete nuisance of itself. Finally, the monkey jumps up on the billiard table, picks up the cue ball, and swallows it whole. The bartender, having had enough, throws the man and his monkey out of the bar.

Several weeks pass, and the man returns with his monkey. He explains to the bartender that the monkey has learned his lesson and asks if they can return. The bartender, being in a generous mood, relents.

After an hour or so, the bartender notes that the monkey has indeed been well behaved and treats him to one of the cherries from the bar. The monkey takes the treat, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, then eats it.

The bartender, disgusted, looks at the monkey’s owner and asks him, “Why does he do that?”

The monkey’s owner replies: “Ever since the cue ball incident, he won’t eat anything without first checking to make sure it fits.”

By Divemedic, ago

What Could Go Wrong?

Take 6 black men, a Muslim, a Black woman, and Asian woman, and a white woman. Put them in an isolated research station on Antarctica. What could go wrong?

That’s right- violent crime is up 100% across the entire continent. The only white woman within thousands of miles has been raped and is calling for help that can’t arrive for another six months. There have been assaults, death threats, and there is even a report that someone’s bike has been stolen. (OK, maybe not the last one.)

By Divemedic, ago