A 71-year-old man was accused of inappropriately touching a 12-year-old girl at the Walmart in West Mifflin Sunday afternoon

SWAT team dance

Sung to the tune of “Safety Dance” with apologies to Men Without Hats:

S-s-s-s, W-w-w-w, A-a-a-a, T-t-t-t
SWAT, SWAT, dance!

We can search if we want to
We can inspect your friends’ behind
‘Cause your friends don’t bow and if they don’t scrape,
Well they’re no friends of mine

Say, we can go where we want to
A warrant you’ll never find
And we can rewrite the Constitution
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance

We can go when we want to
The night is young and so am I
And we can dress real neat from our helmets to our feet
And surprise ’em with the no-knock cry

Say, we can act if we want to
Question us, nobody will
And we can shoot some dude, he’s totally screwed
And I can act like an imbecile

We can dance, we can dance
Totally out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We’re doing it from wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody put up your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody takin’ the cha-a-a-ance

We can search if we want to
We have auth-or-i-ty
As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it
Everything’ll work out right
I say, we can search if we want to
We’re protected by a thin blue line
‘Cause your friends ain’t cops, and if they ain’t cops,
Well they’re no friends of mine

Snack Wars

My wife works as a teacher. Most teachers keep a mini fridge in the classroom for storing their lunches (mostly due to school food being hideous). One of the substitute teachers that works at her school is famous for eating the food out of the rooms of the teachers he substitutes for.

Once, he at half of a teacher’s candy bar and left a Post-It note stuck to it that read “Sorry, I was hungry.” There were teeth marks still in the candy bar. Teachers all over the school have complained about this guy.

I was talking to one of my wife’s friends, and she was upset because she has been out of school for a couple days, caring for her mother. She left her daughter’s lunches (who is a student at the school) in her fridge and the substitute ate them all. This woman is pissed.

So in typical Divemedic fashion, I suggested a mechanical ambush. My suggestion is that they make some cookies using chocolate flavored laxative as the chunks, then leave them in your fridge with a note saying “don’t eat these.” Then if he eats them, it’s not on you. I was shot down.

Whatever. I bet he would never eat your food again.

Merry Sixthmas

It is now Sixthmas eve- the day before the holiest of Democrat holidays. This is the biggest holiday of the year for the left. I was going to write a poem based upon “A Visit from St. Nick, but then I remember that Ashli Babbit was murdered in cold blood and decided against it. Even so, my sense of humor is still messed up, so I leave you with this from the Babylon Bee:

Too Soon?

I have spent the vast majority of my adult life dealing with death. As a result, my sense of humor is darker and more inappropriate than most people’s. If you can’t learn to handle death in an irreverent manner, you won’t last long in emergency medicine. With that being said:

If you are a sports fan, you well know that you never say things like “He only has one batter to strike out to get the no hitter,” or “We are just two minutes from a shutout,” because to challenge the gods is to tempt them. With that being said, here is the cover of People magazine’s next issue:

I found this to be extremely humorous